Friday, January 28, 2005

Real World Disasters

No one likes to walk with a pebble in their shoe.

It begins as only slightly noticeable. But it starts to move around. Eventually, the weight shifts, the pebble becomes lodged in the most uncomfortable position, and your foot is raw from the friction.

That's my take on the two black characters on MTV’s Real World. Karamo and Shavonda were small, unobtrusive blips on the pop culture radar. But their constant pettiness, self-hatred and immaturity has continued to rub me the wrong way. My patience has became raw from the friction.

Following a tried-and-true formula, the Bunim-Murray producers have selected two black cast members who will hate each other—an oreo, and a pretend hood rat. But this season has an unexpected twist: Karamo, the pretend regular brotha, is an oreo wanna-be. He’s acting out because the real oreo—Shavonda, the tired sistah from Cali with the weave—is flirting with the gay friendly white boy that Karamo likes.

First Stunt
Who to start with? How about, biological ladies first? TVGasm has a great play-by-play of The Shavonda Show on the beaches of Fiji.

No one overshadows homegirl, as evidenced by this week's mountain-of-a-molehill episode. Shavonda was back and so were all her petty issues: would she take her top off? Would she jump in the ocean? Would she jump in the river? Would she douche in the morning? Would she have a side salad or fries? Such are the weighty decisions in her life, and dammit if you try to ignore them.
Shavonda’s first weighty decision: should she jump in the water hole? After all, everyone else does. Only a petty trifling girl she would hold make this an important plot point. But reality show contestants are inherently drama queens—or else, they wouldn’t be on TV.

[Shavonda] notes how petrified she is of the water. Everyone must stop what they're doing and watch as Landon jumps with Shavonda into the river below. All eyes on Shavonda. Success.
Second Stunt
On the beach, Shavonda can’t decide should she go topless. After all, Sarah will. (When won’t Sarah show her ta-tas?) Landon uses this as another excuse to show his ass, which he thinks needs to be oiled up. (Memo to Landon: Come to the Roxy tomorrow night. The boys will take care of you!) Karamo becomes bitter, and starts drinking double shots of Hatorade. Shavonda decides no, she’ll keep her shirt on, thank you very much.

Third Stunt
Back at the hotel, the kids decide to do what all young people who drink in movies do: play truth or dare. MTV’s episode recap sez:

Shavonda and Landon make out for 30 seconds and Landon drops
trow. Karamo does not approve of the lust that seems to be boiling over between Shavonda and Landon. Eh, Karamo's probably just bitter that he isn't getting any. The next morning he insists that Shavonda should pay attention to her culture.
Let’s keep score; Shavonda and Landon, 3; Landon shows his butt twice; Karamo, no attention. By now K has super-sized up to cockblocking and a Venti Hatorade.

Final Countdown
The next evening Karamo finally shows his azz. Not like in Philly when kept parading before the camera with a towel wrapped his waist, showing his lil butt. That was cute. But now, he literally acted an azz. First, he tells MJ that he’s upset with Shavonda. Why confide in a Red State frat boy? In true snow queen fashion, he feels comfortable dishing his own peeps to a white boy. He says Landon’s race isn’t that material; but, he’s “disgusted” because Shavonda has an alleged boyfriend back home. All these contestants always say they have BFs and GFs back home, silly.

The coup de grace—that's French for “fuckin’ some ish up”—happens during dinner at their last night in Fiji. Karamo becomes enraged after looking at Landon’s ass so many times. He morphs into the angry black man that reality show producers often request from central casting. Karamo says aloud that if he were a hunter, he’d take "a knife and slit Landon’s throat."

I guess not getting any dick having sex for months has finally done a job on poor Karamo. Last month, we talked about how he burst on the scene with so much potential, only to crash and burn. No: she’s worst than Willie. At least Willie had the sense to be quiet.

Maybe next week, K will be in better spirits. He brings home a little Latin cha-cha queen boy. Karamo wasn’t lying. Dorian wasn’t his type. He was too manly.