Saturday, November 27, 2004

Femz and Timz

Everyone knows the type. You meet online, he lives in one city, you're in another. But he pesters you about meting, and tries to do everything humanly possible to make it happen. Oh yea, he's only so-so, because if he really were your type, you would've went on travelocity by now and booked a special.

Just like everyone else in cyberspace, I have a few of those, too. This one in particular Chitowngbm has been sweating me for months. After hitting me up, I made the mistake of admitting that I grew up in Chicago. As soon as you come back in town, he has persisted, "we have to meet up." So, true to my word, I let him know I was back in town, and we made plans to meet at a north side Starbucks.

First hint: he had problems picturing the intersection. Now, I' ve been away from Chicago for four years, but still know my way around. Him not knowing the north side, clued me in that he never left the hood too often.

Second hint: he arrived a half an hour late.

Third clue that I was dealing with a lame-o: his cobalt blue belt matched his cobalt blue Timz which matched his cobalt blue leather jacket.

Yea, the brothas still dress like that in Chicago. But swishing in a half an hour late, in a matching outfit, was just a bit much for me. I also noticed that he looked less like his picture. His lips were slightly glossy moistened, too. Or was it Carmex?

"I don't come up this way very often," he told me. "I stay out south, keep it real. Nikkaz are more real on the south side. Y'all north side brothaz are funny acting. How long are you here from New York? I hope we can see each other at least once or twice. You look just like you do in the picture. But I'm not one of them gym boyz, I don't stay up in ,the gym all day. I ain't bad, but I just think ..."

He started on his favorite topic of conversation: himself. He had plenty to say, and I heard almost all of it. I certainly learned what he didn't like: expensive Starbucks prices, that part of town, brothas who didn't "keep it real", New Yorkers, gym boyz (with the exception of me), Virgos, Republicans, several female coworkers, former New Yorkers, Angelenos, "bougey" black folks, anyone who didn't like Oprah ...

He was having such a great time telling me about himself and his laundry-list of dislikes, I didn't see any need for me to be there. So I told him I had somewhere to go.

"So it's like that, huh? It's like that? I come all the way out here and you can't even sit down and conversate with a brotha?"